Thursday, November 19, 2009

I am who I am, and if you don't like know where the door is!

Helllllooooooo....anybody still here?  It's been a long time, I know.  Normally  I would graze over my absence. but last time I pulled this I promised to be more open and honest.  So it's about to get real honest all up in this joint. Buckle your seat belts folks.  This may get rough.

I've been in a real rough place lately.  I suffer from depression.  It was called manic depression way back in the day when I was diagnosed, I don't know what "the kids" are calling it these days.   It's almost like my dirty little secret.  Not a whole lot of people know about it, and the ones who do usually only find out because I have to tell them.  Because they witness it first hand.  And they worry.  It's so out of character for me.  I am usually a very positive, up person.  Unless I'm having one of my "moods" as I call them.

I was first diagnosed with manic depression when I was 15.  I was living in Burlington with a boyfriend at the time.  My life was in a total mess.  I was pregnant at the time (that's another post, for another time) and unable to take any meds for it.  So my doctor taught me how to try to cope, without medication.  Honestly I wouldn't have taken anything for it.  I still don't.  I am terrified of "that type" of medication.,  I know it's rather irrational. Although after my zyban experience (Dr. Prescribed to quit smoking , had a major melt down within a week of taking it) maybe it's not so irrational.

So when I have a down spell, I tend to shut myself away from the world.  I withdraw into myself, to protect myself.  And to protect those who love me from having to see me so low.  I do what I have to do to heal myself.  I cry, I scream, I think ugly thoughts of self loathing.  I don't talk about it, because normally there is nothing to talk about.  I don't know what gets me down.  It's I guess.  Everything seems to hit me at once.  It can be days, weeks, hell even months before I'm back to normal.  Well, as normal as I get anyways. But eventually I always have a moment of self realization.  When finally something clicks in my head, and I realize things are not that bad anyways.

Recently, it's been really tough.  This last spell was, well horrible really.  And it kept getting compounded.  And every time I thought it was almost over, it got worse. Roughly two weeks ago it really came to a head.  Within the course of 24 hours, I lost both a best friend and a father figure (a dear friends father passed away.  I lived with her family when I was a teen, and ever since, her dad was my dad) .  The loss of both shook me to my core.  Death is obviously a lot worse than a fight between friends.  And yet it was the fight that brought me back from the depths of my depression.

That's right, losing a friend actually helped my depression.  Not at first.  It hurt like hell at first.  I was sad, angry, hurt, and lost all within the span of moments..  I believed every nasty, hateful thing flung my way at first.  That's not to say I am without fault.  I said some nasty things as the exchange progressed.  However for what started the damn fight in the first place, I did not deserve the shit I took.  I was made to feel like a horrible person.  And I bought into it.  For a few days (okay, the better part of a week) I felt like the biggest piece of crap on the planet.  But than I had that moment that I mentioned earlier.  I came to the realization that clearly I cannot be that horrible.  Several of my friends came to my side during this mess.  The phone calls and the facebook messages helped immensely.  To have these people, telling me that I was not the evil person I was feeling like....well it made the difference.  And I came to a conclusion.

The conclusion is this.  Not everybody is going to like me.  I have tried  my whole life to be everybody's friend.  It's just not going to happen.  And if you don't like me.....well I guess it sucks to be you.  I'm me.  Take it or leave it.  Choose leave it?  Well you know where the door is.  Anybody so willing to turn there back on me, well I guess they were never really my friends to begin with.  And I'm better off without that in my life.

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